That David Bowie lyric gives some good advice. Sometimes child development progresses so rapidly we have to play an intentional game of catch up. Our kids sure don't stay static, do they? Each new day seems to bring observable changes. Most people feel stressed or thrown off balance when any type of change in life occurs. Sometimes when a child turns a corner in development and is suddenly on to the next phase, parents can feel surprised, puzzled, and plenty challenged."Oh man, I meant to have all those childproofing measures in place by the time you walked, and there you go! Yikes!" Or, "What's up with so much opposition all of a sudden? You're driving me crazy every time we need to switch gears and do something else!" Even experienced parents and those who make a study of child development can feel like they are scrambling madly to get up to speed and understand the ways a child's actions and behaviors are shifting.
We can feel out of our depth in a new phase or nostalgic for the well-understood routine of younger days. We had a better handle on that. Our help was needed more and things seemed more "under control." Now that toddler is suddenly a capable full-fledged preschooler running at warp speed and able to dress her/himself, use the toilet independently and help with taking out the recycling. Where did the time go? And what strategies can we use now to help us adapt better to children's changing behaviors, capabilities and needs?
It is so helpful to understand this key point: Children’s development follows an orderly and predictable pattern. Behaviors change to match development patterns. When children’s behavior changes, parental responses need to change too.
Parents who can do a little reading along in a basic child development guide as their children progress through different ages and stages will have a leg-up in understanding what to expect now and what's just ahead. One very useful classic series that packs in tons of practical information and effective parenting ideas for each age is the Geslle Institute's year by year books, "Your 1 Year Old," "Your 2 Year Old," etc., by Louise Bates Ames, PhD and Frances L. Ilg, MD. The books in this series go all the way through age14 and are quick and easy reads. Also an easy to use year by year on-line resource you might want to check out is the PBS Kids page on Ages and Stages which was developed by Seattle's own Talaris Research Institute.
When parents know what to expect and when to likely expect it, they can use developmentally appropriate and respectful interactions to assist their children accordingly. If parents are unaware of when a child is developmentally ready for something they may continue doing things for children who are capable of of doing things for themselves. Conversely, they may put undue stress on themselves and their child to accomplish seemingly worthwhile goals but at developmentally inappropriate times.
The most extreme instance of mismatched parental expectations to a child's developmental level I've experienced was with a parent of a new kindergarten boy in my class in San Francisco. The boy had entered the class excited and happy in September and enjoyed the classroom and outdoor activities, but by mid November he had stopped talking. He would not speak at home or at school to any adults or other children, with the occasional exception of his best friend in class, with whom he would laugh or whisper something while they played. Our school's consulting psychologist spent time with him in class and with the family at home. She discovered that one of the parents was very focused on providing the most enriched academic beginning possible to help the boy get ahead. Each night they were doing skill drills with 1st and 2nd grade level reading and math flashcards, trying to learn a second language, and frequenting the nearby art and science museums on the weekends. I recalled that the parent had asked if we would provide the son nightly worksheets for math and language. When I mentioned that our developmental kindergarten did not encourage regular use of worksheets at this age, the parent was surprised that we thought this approach would not be of benefit. We learned the parent had taken the son 3 times already to the special King Tut exhibit, and that they had tickets to go a fourth time. The son had protested quite a bit about going back after the first visit, but the parent felt it was an important once in a lifetime opportunity. This was the first US exhibition with a record one million people cuing steadily through the S.F. venue. Tickets were expensive and entries were timed to accommodate the crowds. There were no interpretive exhibits for children. If the son had been 8 or 9 and had a genuine interest himself in mummies, hieroglyphics and golden sarcophagi, he might have taken away more than an aversion to walking slowly among a crowd of adults to get a short glimpse at ancient artifacts; but, at 5 years, it meant little to him personally. The consulting phycologist concluded that the boy was so stressed by a constant expectation to perform at an advanced developmental level that his voluntary mutism was his way of coping with the anxiety this focus caused. As the parents were coached in less stressful and more developmentally appropriate approaches to enrichment and to value the unique learning styles and interests of their child, he began to speak again in the spring and went on to have a happy experience at school. It was a big reminder to me that we do well neither to push children too hard nor expect too little of them as they grow.
Here is some wonderful encouragement from module two of the helpful SKIP.org publication on child development from New Zealand:
Enjoy the changes children go through and adapt to them If we adapt our parenting to children’s developmental changes, we assist their development, avoid problematic behaviours and are in a strong position to maintain loving and nurturing relationships. By watching for and responding to developmental changes we can really help them to learn and to grow. When we are actively conscious of these changes we will be better prepared to meet new parenting challenges. We can better provide guidance and support when we know what children are capable of doing and when we understand the developmental tasks they face. When we know the predictable stages of development, we can recognise changes and choose our responses. This in turn allows us to feel less stressed and more able to enjoy our children. It also helps us develop supportive and loving relationships with our children.
What developmental changes have taken you by surprise with your children? How have you coped when a new stage has become disruptive for the rest of the family? What resources did you find most informative? Please leave a comment below to give your suggestions to other families on what worked for you to get you through stressful changes. Please check out Kidspace's parent lending library for some helpful books (located in the cupboard just below the sign in area in the lobby). I am wishing you well as your family moves through the exciting changes just ahead!
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