Together Alone & Cooling It Together

What taking a walk together sometimes looks like

I heard an interview with a developmental pediatrician on NPR about parent distraction that made me uncomfortable.Uncomfortable because it made me recognize myself as my child must have seen me.There were big blocks of time that I was in her presence but not present to her during the evenings when I would work on university coursework at the computer. When she would talk to me I wouldn't hear her.When she would do something annoying to get my attention, I'd react with irritation.It was hard for her to see me in the room, but not be able to interact with me. The developmental pediatrician in the NPR interview, Jenny Radesky, had been in practice here in Seattle when she started noticing how many parents she saw attending to electronic devices while with their children. She especially noticed one mom with her infant facing her in a stroller who had a phone propped between her and the awake child. Remembering how tired and burnt out I was during my daughter's infancy, I think I probably would have done this same thing to get some  mental "down time" and exercise, even though I'm well aware infants need face to face interaction. Dr. Radesky said it concerned her because the baby was making faces and smiling at the mom, and the mom wasn't picking up and responding to any of it as she watched a YouTube video. As I listened, I remembered a day at Salmon Bay Park when I noticed 5 different parents attending to their smart phones while their kids played next to them. One was actually swinging a child while simultaneously reading his phone. None had eyes on the children. Like me, they were present, but not fully present to their child. I did the same with the larger screen in our family room, and I get how absorbed and distracted we humans can be.And there are plenty of times when that's really okay. We can't be "on" all the time with undivided attention for our kids. It's a good thing for them to develop the ability entertain themselves when we are busy. But in this new era of the immediacy of mobile devices, preoccupation and distraction with what's happening in the digital realm is pretty rampant. It's surely a phenomenon of our times that sociologists and others will study with great interest.

A psychology researcher quoted in the NPR report did just that. Catherine Steiner-Adair's interviews with 1000 kids aged 4 to 18 about their parents use of mobile devices while with them revealed our distraction with our digital devices is potentially damaging to our relationships with with our kids. She gathered her research into a book, The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age. "...when parents focus on their digital world first — ahead of their children — there can be deep emotional consequences for the child. We are behaving in ways that certainly tell children they don't matter, they're not interesting to us, they're not as compelling as anybody, anything, any ping that may interrupt our time with them." One girl told her, "I feel like I'm just boring. I'm boring my dad because he will take any text, any call, anytime — even on the ski lift!" She reports hearing so many children repeat how "sad, mad, angry and lonely" it made them feel when a parent couldn't put away a smart device and just be present with them in the moment. A precocious 4-year-old got the irony of it and called his dad's smartphone a "stupid phone." Some children said they had actually hidden their parents' phones. Or baked them in the oven. And thrown them in the toilet!

We've all heard the ancient wisdom, "nothing in excess." It's something to think about. What are my own habits, and how are they affecting my interactions with others.Am I present to the people with me, and how much does that matter, especially with my kids? Catherine Steiner-Adair concludes that we don't know exactly how much these mini moments of disconnect between a parent and child affect the child in the long term. But based on the stories she hears, she suggests that parents think twice before picking up a mobile device when they're with their kids.

So I was thinking how might we harness the great qualities of these devices to bring parent and child TOGETHER in the moment in something interactive. Something that might be as engaging for parents as it is for children. Hearing that this summer in Seattle may turn out to be one of the warmest on record, popsicles came to mind. Below is a short list of some fun, healthy, quick and easy (and beautiful!) home made popsicle on-line recipes to make together and enjoy. You can use ice cube trays, Dixie cups, or popsicle molds. There are literally thousands of kid-friendly on-line popsicle recipes that you and your child can look up together and try. Once you look up a few you can let your child experiment with your home-grown ideas and ingredients, you'll be creating your own family faves. Anything your family does over and over again together becomes your own "tradition." Enjoy creating some memories together that you and your kids may remember fondly for a lifetime.

Keifer Fruit Pops kids can make by themselves (toddlers may need help pouring)  http://kidsactivitiesblog.com/60088/cream-pops

Yipes Stripes Fruit Puree Pops using 2 or more fruits you have on hand, 1 cup of each fruit pureed in a blender, kids pour in alternating layers to create beautiful stripey pops made of nothing but fruit
http://theviewfromgreatisland.com/whole-fruit-popsicles/

No Recipe Creative Juice Pops different every time you make them, experiment to the max, freeze them in a Dixie cup for a super simple cool treat
http://www.bonappetit.com/test-kitchen/how-to/article/how-to-make-juice-popsicles-without-a-recipe

Rainbow Sprinkle Banana Pops (fun for 3-5s, involves melting chocolate in a crock-pot for dipping)  http://kidsactivitiesblog.com/6069/freezer-banana-pops-homemade-summer-popscicl

I wish now that I had had the insight to include my child in what I was doing while on the computer, even just explaining a little bit of what I was working on might have helped me connect with her when she wanted to check in with "preoccupied mom." Taking a moment to show her a photo of what I was studying or mentioning a dilemma I was facing with the work might have helped her see how adults manage the workload and problems they have to get through to reach a goal. Now she's a young adult, and we connect a lot via smart devices, sharing a lot of daily life together although we don't live under the same roof. When the space between us disappears and we are face to face, though, I keep my phone off and in my pocket and I try to be present to her in her presence. By the way, we're making the stripey fruit puree pops together :-).