Friendships are important to children. Children want to be liked and accepted, and they form attachments to other children very early on. Their early relationships help children develop a deeper capacity for intimacy and and a growing understanding of social skills that will contribute to their emotional well being over a lifetime. At each age of social development children form bonds with each other through familiarity and shared experiences. What starts as the small seeds of proximity and affinity can blossom into relationships that develop over time and can become very rich and long lasting. If you would like to go in depth in understanding the significance and the inter-workings of children's friendships, I highly recommend to you the very engaging and definitive work on the subject, Children's Friendships: The Beginnings of Intimacy, written by scholar and researcher Judy Dunn. (You might also know Judy through some classic children's picture books that she wrote with her photographer mother, such as The Little Kitten and The Little Duck.)
Friendships are a huge part of life at Kidspace. This month I'm interviewing Maple Room Lead Teacher and Kidspace Co-Director Michelle Bretz about typical preschool age friendships and best practices for parents who want to foster their children's abilities to form healthy friendships now and in the future.
K: Michelle, thanks for your willingness to do do a brief interview about your perspectives on children's friendships. As both an experienced parent as well as a teacher who has guided scores of children and parents in this area, I am wondering. . .
What activities do you like to use to foster children's growing friendship skills?
M: I often incorporate team building activities in our curriculum. I pair kids in a task like building with three different materials and give them specific goals for the materials use. A lot of decisions need to be made cooperatively. As they start I coach them how they might interact and problem-solve as they play . I use the words "compromise" and "negotiate," and I suggest if one of them is more experienced with the materials how they might mentor the other through the activity if they need help or suggestions. I sometimes assign several children to play a game together, first with an adult, then with just children. I check in with them as they are playing and at the end to ask them to report back how things are going. "Any conflict? What will you do if this happens?" We make it the children's group goal to work through any issues that come up by problem-solving between themselves rather than asking a teacher to intervene or tattling on someone to an adult. I ask them when beginning the game to consider how they will work out possible difficulties that might arise. "How will you handle that?"
K: What resources and activities have you liked or recommended to parents that explains friendships and what role adults play in helping children cultivate healthy friendships?
M: In the classroom I include several favorite social and emotional growth resources in the curriculum, such as directly teaching kindness through a book I read them about "bucket filling" (Fill A Bucket) and activities we do as a class to build each other up and fill each others' buckets with sincerely kind things we notice and say to each other. We talk all the time in class about practices that build friendships. I use persona dolls to act out common social situations and illustrate how kids can handle common choices. I also enjoy telling them my own stories from "the olden days" about a situation I or someone in my family faced and what we tried, what worked out and what didn't, and what I learned through the experience. The kids love these stories and the narratives stick with them for a long time as examples of how they might handle something or as a cautionary tale of what not to do.
As far as parents helping their kids cultivate friendships, I often remind parents that triangular relationships don't work for adults, and they don't work for children either. I also tell parents to watch out for too much of a good thing in their wanting to get children together a lot outside of school. Remember that these kids are together morning to dusk all week. The children may need a beak from so much togetherness. When families do plan play dates, I recommend just two children and to meet on "equal ground" rather than at someone's home. This avoids the host child inevitably feeling protective of their space and things. Sharing is not a realistic expectation at these ages. Parents are wise to avoid setting children up for the mixed emotions and common conflicts that arise around having a playmate visit their home turf.
K: What friendships have you seen over the years that have impressed you and why?
M: I have seen friends bond very young and maintain their friendships through high school--even though they weren't close in proximity. They talked by phone and checked in with each other regularly through social media.Their parents became comfortable with the new school circles their children had while still supporting the old preschool friendships through play dates and maintaining a family friendship over the years.The relationships and shared history are important to these now adult kids. I know two college-age longtime friends that did a road trip together.
K: What would you advise parents about getting involved in their child's friendships? Is there an upside to it? A downside?
M: I would suggest parents try role playing with their child what they aren't feeling good about. Listen and then ask them, "What can you do?" Model words for them that they might use. Suggest possible approaches they might try. Then, role play it with them to give them practice and a chance to think it through. Another thing that I think works really well is for parents to ask kids to share their "highs and lows" with them about situations and experiences they are having with friends."What was the best thing you liked about that time, your "high"? What was the thing you didn't like about it, your "low"? Just letting them express their highs and lows out loud opens them up. I also like to ask reflective questions like, "What part of it were you responsible for? What do you own? How can you make it right?"
Kidspace families like to get together with each other, but its good to remember that you can't make some children's personalities work well together, even when parents are good friends.It's really appropriate to let the kids work through this themselves and to not try to "fix" a rough relationship for them. Your child will be better for having had to deal with difficult people through different situations. Empower them to use their words and to do the best they can to get along with all kinds of people. It's a mistake to tell kids to exclude another child from their play circle, even when you as parent may feel the children aren't a good fit for each other. Your child will grow more resilient when they are allowed plenty of practice in building their social skills, even when it's hard or unpleasant work.
K: Have you seen families who have bonded and created supportive friendships among themselves? If so, what benefits do you think the parents and kids got out these relationships.
M: We've had parents who became acquainted through Kidspace that have become very good friends through their involvement here. They go out together, have barbeques, go on camping trips together. Some get involved with kids sports teams or other shared interests and activities.They get great ideas from each other and its very supportive. The shared experiences form lasting friendships. (end of interview)
Parents, what are your own observations and questions about childhood friendships? What has been your child's experience? Your own? Please share with us by leaving a comment.
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