Long Term Goals

"The Chore List"  Photo by Amanda Timpton, Huntington Beach, CA

We are at the beginning of the grand adventure of our children's lives. These are the foundational years for them. Have you thought about what sort of adult you'd like your child to become?  The opportunities and quality of life you hope will be theirs? The values and character they will possess? When I have asked this question in parenting workshops, the answers have been,
"I want them to:

• be happy and find joy in life
• be kind, empathetic and compassionate people
• find fulfilling work that suits them and creative/artistic pursuits to express themselves 
• be responsible, honest, trustworthy and conscientious in what they do
• respect others while being able to advocate for themselves and have good personal boundaries
• make healthy friendships and find well-suited life partners
• be good problem solvers who can cooperate and work well with others
• live in a safe and peaceful society
• enjoy good health and a long life
• maybe have some happy kids of their own one day for us to spoil" :-)

How do we get from here to there? Those are all lofty goals! Well, it's poco a poco, step by step, little by little, day after day. The types of guiding discipline we give our children over the years will help or hinder their development of the abilities and character traits we long for them to have when they are 21. Being intentional about it is essential, and that takes some time for reflection and discussion among parenting partners.

Discipline is at its essence TEACHING. Allowing children to experience natural and logical consequences that follow an action or lack of action is the best tool to help to shape children's behaviors in healthy ways. When children help us around the house, a natural consequence is they feel good about being a helper and expressing their love for us through hanging out and working with us. This delights us and they will repeat these behaviors because they feel accomplished as they master a new skill and feel our approval. They might fail or experience frustration, and these are great learning opportunities, too. They will also repeat behaviors that concern us and engender our disapproval and negative attention. We all make mistakes as we are learning. Children are constantly skill building through repetition and testing limits. They need many opportunities to help remedy their mistakes, clean up their messes, and learn how to cooperate. Discipline that moves our children toward the bright personal futures we dream for them is guidance, training, modeling, and teaching. Discipline is not hurting, restricting, shaming or punishing. It is also not bribing or buying wanted behaviors. And discipline is not forcing our will upon children physically or by manipulation. How do we figure out what life lessons they need?


Child guidance specialist and author Madelyn Swift points out, "Interestingly, it is a child's misbehavior which guides us to the needed lesson. We grownups need children to misbehave in order to give us clues as to what we need to teach them. For example, when a sister shoves her brother because he colored on her paper, she needs to be taught effective words to use that prevent or stop his drawing on her paper. She could try, "If you're going to color on my paper, you'll have to sit somewhere else." She has the right to protect her paper, a lesson she has already learned or known from birth; she does not have the right to use aggression to solve this problem. On the other hand, her brother's misbehavior suggests that he needs to learn that he needs to get permission to do this and that he is going to have to learn how to keep his crayon to his own drawing when he does not receive permission. He may have been trying to make friends with his sister and needs [a better gambit to enter into play successfully with others. He may also need help to build impulse control skills]--one simply does not get to do whatever one wants. It is their misbehavior which tells us that each needs lessons and directs us to those lessons."


One of the great and relatively easy character-building opportunities we can offer even the littlest children is teaching them how to help around the house alongside their parents and siblings. One- and two-year-olds enjoy helping adults in all kinds of ways. So do preschoolers. Being trained and trusted with some household responsibility that contributes to the whole family's well-being is a wonderful way to build children's confidence and many important life skills. It's good to think a number of things through to avoid common pitfalls when evaluating when and how to introduce children to doing chores. Developmental readiness is important. Most children, for instance, would be able to help alongside a parent with pet feeding, walking, and grooming tasks, but most kids would typically not be able to handle an individual responsibility for feeding and watering a pet daily until they are age 9 or older. I will be posting copies in the lobby of parent educator Elizabeth Crary's succinct tip sheet on "Kids and Chores." She lays out how to begin, what to expect, how to avoid and work through common  difficulties, and gives guidance on different approaches for ages and stages. A tip I think is especially helpful is to be specific in describing the task and how it is to be done. For instance, say, "Put all the clothes that are on the floor into the hamper and pull the covers up neatly on your bed," rather than a generic, "Clean your room." She urges that chores not be linked to allowances or payment because her value is that all family members contribute to the household enterprise. I have heard arguments for and against this, and it is something parents need to discuss together on a values level and follow through with what reflects their own family's thinking. I hope you will pick up a copy and let it open up a discussion in your household about what you want for your children's future and steps you'd like to take today to help their development toward a well-rounded adulthood.
Please leave your family's approaches and ideas here in the comments section.