Most parents look for child guidance approaches that are effective for them in raising their particular children. Ever wonder which traits and tools most parents find to be most helpful in the journey with their children from infancy through adolescence? The list below contains the seven essential tools and approaches. I came across this list by Chris Theisen, a parenting coach, many years ago and have used it in parent education workshops since. I have adapted it here for you to consider. See which you are already skilled at, and any you have difficulty with. How can you utilize these 7 Cs to your best advantage?
1. Confidence is a belief in one's own abilities. It is also an attribute that can determine whether or not a parent remains a leader or the child takes charge. Projecting confidence is powerful. Children will respond more positively to a parent exhibiting confidence than to a parent showing self-doubt, hesitancy, or uncertainty. When you set a limit or request a behavior, remain kind and firm, speak assertively and respectfully, and know that you are giving your children the decisive anchor they need to feel secure and know where their safe boundaries are. Follow up immediately when you make a request. Instead of, "Let's get your coat on so we can go, okay?," try saying, "It's time to get your coat on. Can you do it yourself or would you like my help?" Then follow through with helping if your child chooses to ignore you, saying, "I see you're choosing for me to help you," and take charge of helping them with their coat. Work through any protest that arises as a result, explaining you know it's disappointing, but he or she will be able to do it themselves next time, and that it's time to go now. When children experience this type of confidence in adults, they become more disposed to cooperate.
2. Consistency is the ability to maintain a particular standard or to be able to repeat a particular task with minimal variation. Consistency brings children a sense of predictability and routine. This is essential to their sense of being secure, and all children need and seek security from their parents. Consistent guidelines and routines let a child know what to expect when a behavior is not appropriate or acceptable. When parents don't follow through or are erratic in enforcing the limits they've set for children, then young children become confused and are encouraged to go out of bounds just to see if a boundary really exists. When children experience the same results follow misbehavior each and every time, they learn more quickly how to self-manage their behaviors without testing or reminders.
3. Communication is perhaps the most important tool in this list. Effective interpersonal communication requires mutual respect, patience and sympathy. Children have a need to talk with us, to be heard and understood, and to feel that they and their interests matter to us. Establishing patterns of respectful, open, truthful, empathetic communication with our children while they are small will pay dividends in our relationships with them for a lifetime. Let your children hear from you first about subjects that matter to them. Help them to become skilled conversation partners and to know that you are there to listen with understanding to any problems they have. Practice truthfulness, kindness, and respect in your conversations together.
4. Composure is maintaining a calm and steady control over one's emotions, despite the intensity of a situation. We all lose it as parents, and exceptions to our perfection and limitless understanding are to be expected. But a pattern of being frequently out of control ourselves leads to out of control children. Parents are their children's emotional anchor. When we are tempted to let our emotions ramp us up into a hot tirade or an icy freeze, reminding ourselves that it does no good in the situation and often does harm in the relationship can help us maintain our composure. Children can learn to exploit their parents' emotional volatility just for the entertainment factor or be tempted to experiment with their growing ability to manipulate others. Keeping your cool will serve you and your child well.
5. Connectedness, being joined or linked firmly to their parents is important for children. This bond is essential to healthy development. A parent who is disconnected will function like "a roommate with leverage" rather than someone who builds relationship by spending time with their child. Current employment norms and societal demands make it challenging to make time to spend with children. Even when we do have time to be with our children, our attention is often elsewhere. At Salmon Bay Park last week I saw five different parents on their smart phones while "playing" with their kids. It's the connectedness that takes place when you do spend time together. 15 minutes of undivided attention is like gold to a child. The healthy bond that is built by being together will lead to a sense of mutual respect which leads to happier parents and better off children.
6. Common-sense is having an ability to make rational decisions and use good judgment. Trust your own common sense.You know your child's behaviors better than anyone else. But when behaviors become a puzzle to you or you feel out of your depth, reach out and seek new insights from your pediatrician and your child's teachers. I am available to consult with you, as are our directors and our parent educator from North Seattle College, Beth Goss.We have an extensive lending library of resources to share with you, too. It is common sense to call on your community when you feel stumped or worried. We have many years of combined experience helping families find effective approaches to all kinds of concerns.
7. Consequences are the results of our actions or behavior. Consequences can be positive or negative. Consequences are a powerful shaping tool for future behavior. Here at Kidspace you will find teachers allow children to experience the natural and logical consequences of their behaviors. For example, children getting carried away being silly at the lunch table might lead to a cup being knocked off the table. A logical consequence would be that the children help clean up the spill and keep their bodies calm while at table. The consequence is linked directly to the behavior without shaming or ridicule.Consequences that follow behaviors are not punitive or intended to punish.With many opportunities to practice what to do when they make a mistake, children learn appropriate behavior that will avoid what happened. They learn responsibility in helping resolve what happened as a result of their behavior.
Which of these areas are you strongest in? Which are challenging for you? We are interested in your thoughts on these tools. Please share your comments with us. Just press COMMENT, and a window will open up for you to type in. These articles and comments are only viewable by Kidspace families, so feel free to share with us. Thanks!
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