I came across an intriguing article by Adam Grant in the New York Times recently about how parents best influence their children to become kind, compassionate, helpful, generous people with a strong moral compass. The article proposed that children are more reinforced toward positive behaviors when adults use nouns rather than verbs to describe what the child has done. For example, "I noticed you were really patient with your brother when he wanted you to show him how to use your Rainbow Loom. That was so considerate." vs. "You are such a patient and considerate sister!" Or, "It's fun to play seeker with you. I'm glad you didn't cheat and look under the blindfold." vs. "You are such a fun person to play seeker with. I'm glad you aren't a cheater." This runs counter to the common wisdom parents may have read over the last couple decades in books and parenting articles. Adam Grant says, "Many parents believe it's important to compliment the behavior, not the child--that way, the child learns to repeat the behavior. Indeed, I know one couple who are careful to say, "That was such a helpful thing to do," instead of, "You're a helpful person." But several researchers Grant notes in the article found the later approach is actually much more effective.
They set up an experiment to investigate what happens when adults commend generous behavior versus generous character. After children won prizes of small toys, they were given the opportunity to donate part of their toys to poor children. Those that did this were each praised by saying, "Gee, you shared quite a bit." The researchers then randomly assigned these children to receive different types of praise. For some they praised the action: "It was good that you gave some of your toys to those poor children. Yes, that was a nice and helpful thing to do." The others were praised for the character behind the action: "I guess you're the kind of person who likes to help others whenever you can. Yes, you are a very nice and helpful person." Two weeks later these children were given other opportunities to give and share. The children whose character had been praised before were much more generous than those whose actions alone had been praised. Well, that certainly gives one pause for thought. It got me to thinking, would we parents rather hear from an admirer, "You sure use great parenting skills with your children," or "You sure are a conscientious parent"? What would do more for you, hearing you had good parenting skills or that you were a good parent?
"When our actions become a reflection of our character, we lean more heavily toward the moral and generous choices. Over time, it can become part of us," Grant asserts. It goes on to report that the ways we tend to respond to bad behaviors have definite effects on children's behavior, too. "When children cause harm, they typically feel one of two moral emotions: shame or guilt. Researches reveal that although we tend to use the terms interchangeably, they have very different causes and consequences.
Grant points out, "Shame is the feeling that I am a bad person, whereas guilt is the felling that I have done a bad thing. Shame is a negative judgment about the core self, which is devastating. Shame makes children feel small and worthless, and they respond either by lashing out at the target or escaping the situation altogether. In contrast, guilt is a negative judgment about an action, which can be repaired by good behavior. When children feel guilt, they tend to experience remorse and regret, empathize with the person they have harmed, and aim to make it right." Psychologist Nancy Eisenberg suggests that, "shame emerges when parents express anger, withdraw their love, or try to assert their power through threats of punishment. Children may begin to believe that they are bad people. Fearing this effect, some parents fail to exercise discipline at all, which can hinder the development of a strong internal sense of morality." Dr. Eisenberg and Dr. David R. Shaffer both support through completely independent studies that the most effective response to bad behavior is expressing disappointment and explaining why the behavior was wrong, how it affected others, and how they can rectify the situation. This enables children to develop standards for judging their own actions, feelings of empathy and responsibility for others, and an internal sense of moral identity, all of which are are conducive to becoming a helpful person. Expressing disappointment communicates disapproval of the bad behavior, coupled with high expectations and the potential for improvement. "You're a good person, even if you did a bad thing, and I know you can do better next time." I felt Kidspace's own philosophy and practices were very affirmed by this observation.
As powerful as it is to criticize bad behavior and praise good character, raising a generous, caring and helpful child involves a great deal of intentional parent modeling to impart the values we wish to see in our children. We attempt to show them by our own behaviors what it looks like to be a person of character. No small task, eh? I wonder if this information might encourage us to move toward some of the simple evidence-based practices Grant advocates. What are your thoughts? Please share them in the comment box.
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