Navigating Your Child's Temperament

Understanding your child’s unique temperament is invaluable. This knowledge can be the single most effective tool parents have when trying to understand and handle behavioral issues effectively and avoid power struggles. What is temperament? Temperament refers to a constellation of nine in-born personality traits that remain consistent over time and across situations. Researchers Chess, Thomas, Birch & Hertzig’s groundbreaking New York Longitudinal study of infant/child behaviors revealed these nine measurable characteristics:

1.      Activity Level (Energy): the level and extent of motor activity;

2.      Regularity: the rhythmicity, or degree of regularity, of functions such as eating, elimination and the cycle of sleeping and wakefulness;

3.      Approach/Withdraw (First Reaction): the response to a new object or person, in terms of whether the child accepts the new experience or withdraws from it;

4.      Adaptability: the adaptability of behavior to changes in the environment or to routine;

5.      Sensory Threshold (Sensitivity): the threshold, or sensitivity, to stimuli;

6.      Intensity: the intensity, or energy level, of responses;

7.      Mood: the child's general mood or "disposition", whether cheerful or given to crying, pleasant or cranky, friendly or unfriendly; optimistic or pessimistic

8.      Distractibility  (Perceptiveness): the degree of the child's distractibility from what s/he is doing;

9.      Persistence: the span of the child's attention and his/her persistence in an activity.

Each of these dimensions can be scored low, moderate or high. None of the dimensions are inherently positive or negative; each trait can have its strengths and weaknesses depending on situation and perspective.

We’ve all heard the term “easy baby” used for children whose parents see them as “jolly,””undemanding” and “even-keeled.” Chess and Thomas found 40% of the children they studied to be “Easy.” These children scaled high in positive Mood, Regularity in bodily functions, a low or moderate Intensity of reaction, Adaptability and positive Approach to new situations. As these children aged there were few rough patches between parent and child.  15% of the children studied were found to be “Slow to Warm,” (changes and transitions might be difficult and met with fear or resistance, but once the situation normalized for the child they settled in). And 35% had groupings of traits that could not be classified by a single label.

10% of children Chess & Thomas studied had a constellation of traits that made for an inherently more challenging relationship between parents and children. The researchers labeled these children “Difficult,” (as does Stanley Turecki in his book, The Difficult Child). I find this to be a negative and loaded term and appreciate that Stanley Greenspan terms it The Challenging Child in his book about 5 types of "difficult" children, and that Mary Sheedy Kurcinka has coined the term “Spirited Child” to shift attention to the positives and pluses of children who may present as more challenging because they are more irregular in bodily functions, or are more highly active, tend to be more intense in their reactions, usually withdraw more from new stimuli, are more slow  to adapt to changes, are highly distractable or impulsive, or have a generally more negative mood. You also hear the terms "high strung," "high maintenance," "drama queen," "stubborn," "obstinate," "demanding," "bossy," "perfectionist," "picky."

These children are just MORE (as Kurcinka puts it). It can feel absolutely overwhelming for parents. Parents tend to ascribe a willfulness or a choice to be difficult to a child who scales very high or very low in various traits. Yet, these are biological predispositions, some more malleable over time than others, but the children will have these basic tendencies and personality traits over the course of their lifespan. Wishing a child were not so intense or were more adaptable and less persistent will not make it so. There are ways to help children become more capable in adapting to situations that are harder for them to manage. Parents can find ways to work successfully with the traits their child does have and help their child to find ways that make these traits work for them and find their strengths. These so called "difficult" children tend to eventually grow to be leaders, high achievers, and insightful, sensitive adults with traits and skills that serve them well in the grown-up world. If only they didn't drive parents out of their wits first! :-) Knowing a child's temperament traits enables parents to find the understanding and patience they need to remain composed and adopt consistent strategies that work more successfully with their child's particular temperament. This helps the family find their way out of much of the conflict and exasperation they are experiencing.

The  topic of Child & Parent Power Struggles at Kidspace’s latest parent ed evening on Wednesday was of such interest to parents that we ran out of chairs!  North Seattle Community College Parent Educator Beth Goss asked those attending, “What are the current areas you and your child struggle about?” Parents listed:

• ·         Not doing what is asked
• ·         Not getting his/her way
• ·         Leaving Kidspace at the end of the day
• ·         Going to bed/Staying in bed
• ·         Electronics/screens/tech usage
• ·         Using the potty
• ·         Transitions
• ·         Getting out of the house in the morning
• ·         Getting dressed

Do you see your household’s typical power struggle scenarios among these? Parents animatedly discussed their frustration with constant conflict, exasperation at the tantrums and manipulations the struggles engender, feeling stuck in a dance they don’t want to keep doing, and being at a loss to find strategies that will gain cooperation rather than a battle. The discussion covered a lot of ground in an hour and a half.

For those interested who couldn’t make it, the three handouts Beth provided are available in the lobby.

Beth’s top book recommendation was: Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka (available from our parent lending library, although checked out at present).

Beth also recommended Raising Your Spirited Child, also by Kurcinka and also in our library along with a workbook). Another very helpful book with concrete strategies for power struggles is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and ListenSo Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish.

Please remember Beth is available to consult with Kidspace parents directly at bethlisa.goss@gmail.com You can visit her With Children in Mind parenting page on Facebook.

Although we did not touch much on the benefits of understanding the inborn personality traits during the discussion time,  Kurcinka’s books both deal with them in-depth. She also helps us understand introversion and extroversion and strategies for more harmonious living with differing personalities within families. I am wishing us all well in our parenting adventures, and I’m here to talk to as well when you have questions. Please leave your comments, stories, and book suggestions in the comments box to share with other parents what is working for you and what you are struggling with.

-Kim