You Say Goodby, But Child Says "Don't Go!"

Photo ©2015 Kim Adams

Drop-off time can be challenging for many children and parents, especially when adjusting to a new daycare setting or a new room. There are also typical developmental phases or family life events when drop-offs can suddenly become difficult out of the blue. Here are a few things we have learned at Kidspace that have helped families form successful routines that help alleviate many of the stresses and fears that occur when taking your leave of one another for the day.

1. How we as parents feel about our child being away from home in a care setting is important. Some of us can have unexamined feelings of ambivalence or apprehension when leaving our child in care, making it difficult for us to leave. Most often it’s that at first we lack confidence in the center staff’s ability to understand and effectively meet our child’s needs like we can. Children can pick up on parents’ tentativeness and feel apprehensive as well. Occasionally a parent might just be having a really hard morning for whatever reason—the family is stressed just getting out the door on time, car troubles, unexpected traffic, something upsetting happening en route like siblings bickering—children may respond to adults’ upset emotion state with strong emotions of their own just when we most need an uncomplicated quick drop off.

2. Establishing routines can help shorten the length of time and intensity of children’s drop-off blues. Children have little control over their day and feel more confident when they know what will happen and can have choices within a stable framework. As you’re getting ready to leave home, you might verbalize what you all will be doing that day: “We are all dressed and ready, now we will get our coats and shoes on, you can put lovey and take home bag by the door and I will bring anything else we need to take in the car. We will buckle up and drive to school. We will sign in and go to your classroom and wash hands. We will see your teachers and friends and tell them good morning.  I will say goodbye and you will have breakfast, and then you will play in the room until its outside time. It's rainy today, so you will wear your rain pants and boots and raincoat outside. You will have lunch and nap and more outside play, and I will pick you up after snacktime. Today I have to go to the bank on our way home, so you can say hi to our favorite teller when we go in. Then Mom will come home and you can help us get ready for dinner. It’s Taco Tuesday! Hooray!” Besides hearing what the day’s plan is, It can also help to make a visual schedule (a narrow sequence strip with pictures showing common elements of your child’s day in order. Children can refer to this on their own or with you and be reassured of what to expect.

3. Having a transfer object that is meaningful to your child is important. Children use these objects to gain a sense of security while you’re away. At Kidspace we call them “lovies.” Typically, these are a favored stuffed toy, a small “softie” or a “taggie” blanket that that gives your child tactile comfort, or some other item your child is particularly attached to. (Hint: try to have two of whatever it is in case one gets misplaced).

4. When your child is new to Kidspace, starting in a new classroom, returning from vacation, or you all are experiencing any sort of change or upset in the family, like a birth, death, move, or breakup, plan some extra time in your own schedule for transitions. As you begin to establish a goodbye routine with your child and the teachers, it’s good to use a slow start approach, staying with your child for a little while to help them settle in the first few times so your child can get to know their room, teachers, and the routines of arrival with your support. After your child experiences a few of these extended drop-offs, it is helpful to start shortening the amount of time you stay. Try leaving five minutes earlier each time. After you’ve done this a few times, try to keep leave taking very short and upbeat, especially if your child starts to show distress or begins to cry. The shorter the distressful period of anticipating your leaving, the shorter time it takes their system to recover composure after you’ve left.

5. Always say goodbye. You might be tempted to leave without your baby or older child noticing if he or she is already happily engaged in something, but we support that you always say goodbye and not slip out unnoticed. This is important for the trust relationship with your child.

6. You will find your own lighthearted ways to say goodbye. Some goodbye routines we’ve seen parents use successfully for a smoother exit: “I’m going to work now. Would you like to give me a push out the door or give me a hug?” Or, “When we’re done washing hands you can give me a high five and sit down for breakfast.” Or, “Here’s a big hug and kiss! I will see you right before go home snack.” Your teachers can also suggest ideas if you need something new.

6. When you are able to take your leave confidently, you’re child gets the sense that you trust in their ability to handle the transition. When you show warmth and understanding yet a firm resolve that you are heading out the door now, children will translate your belief in their capability into self-confidence as they become accustomed to the routines you are building with them.

7. Kidspace staff can be of support during transitions but will always defer to you. Please talk with your teachers about how drop offs are going for you.  When you would like their assistance, don’t hesitate to ask. Discuss any strategies you’d like to try or any assistance you’d like them to give during your parting routine.

Together we hope to make transition times easier for your child.