Time Out or Time to Connect?

In the heat of the moment, we just want our kids to stop. Stop misbehaving. Stop throwing a fit. Stop whining and dawdling and making something simple so difficult when we have to get going. When young children act up we grope for a quick resolution to their disconcerting behavior. Using some form of "time out" has become one of the most popular techniques we parents have turned to in these situations. But have you found it effective? Did you find it led your child to behaving differently the next time around? Did it even have the intended results you were hoping for in the moment?

In the research they share in their books "Whole Brained Child" and "No Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind," Daniel Siegel, MD and Tina Payne Bryson, PhD explain what is happening internally when children misbehave and why time outs can actually be a harmful rather than helpful response and what to try instead.

They present the findings from studies in neuroplasticity (the brain’s adaptability) which shows that repeated experiences actually change the physical structure of the brain. They conclude that "since discipline-related interactions between children and caregivers comprise a large amount of childhood experiences, it becomes vital that parents thoughtfully consider how they respond when kids misbehave. . .Finding ways to teach children appropriate behavior is essential to their healthy development."  We adults may acknowledge that discipline is about teaching, not punishment, but what are we teaching through use of time outs as our response to misbehavior?

In a 2014 Time magazine article, Siegel and Payne explain,

"So what about time-outs? In most cases, the primary experience a time-out offers a child is isolation. Even when presented in a patient and loving manner, time-outs teach them that when they make a mistake, or when they are having a hard time, they will be forced to be by themselves—a lesson that is often experienced, particularly by young children, as rejection. Further, it communicates to kids, “I’m only interested in being with you and being there for you when you’ve got it all together.”

The problem is, children have a profound need for connection. Decades of research in attachment demonstrate that particularly in times of distress, we need to be near and be soothed by the people who care for us. But when children lose emotional control, parents often put them in their room or by themselves in the “naughty chair,” meaning that in this moment of emotional distress they have to suffer alone.

When children are overtaxed emotionally, they sometimes misbehave; their intense emotions and the demands of the situation trump their internal resources. The expression of a need or a big feeling therefore results in aggressive, disrespectful, or uncooperative behavior—which is simply proof that children haven’t built certain self-regulation skills yet. Misbehavior is often a cry for help calming down, and a bid for connection.
When the parental response is to isolate the child, an instinctual psychological need of the child goes unmet. In fact, brain imaging shows that the experience of relational pain—like that caused by rejection—looks very similar to the experience of physical pain in terms of brain activity.

On top of everything, time-outs are usually ineffective in accomplishing the goals of discipline: to change behavior and build skills. Parents may think that time-outs cause children to calm down and reflect on their behavior. But instead, time-outs frequently make children angrier and more dysregulated, leaving them even less able to control themselves or think about what they’ve done, and more focused on how mean their parents are to have punished them.

When children concentrate on their horrible luck to have such a mean, unfair mom or dad, they miss out on an opportunity to build insight, empathy, and problem-solving skills. Putting them in time-out deprives them of an opportunity to build skills that other types of discipline could focus on. Setting clear limits while emphasizing collaboration, conversation, and respect gives kids a chance to practice being active, empathic decision makers who are empowered to figure things out on their own.

 Next time the need for discipline arises, parents might consider a “time-in”: forging a loving connection, such as sitting with the child and talking or comforting. Some time to calm down can be extremely valuable for children, teaching them how to pause and reflect on their behavior. Especially for younger children, such reflection is created in relationship, not in isolation. And all of this will make parenting a whole lot more effective and rewarding in the long run."

 Keeping in mind your long term goals for the ways you hope your child will cope and respond as a teen or an adult when they are upset, distressed, or drawn to misbehave, what can you think of that will help you use these moments to connect? What will help build the child's insight into how to better handle situations, their ability to empathize and to problem solve with you? They need many many opportunities to learn and practice skills before they become competent at them. Using the five steps of Emotion Coaching is a great tool to fall back on: 

1.  Tune into your child's feelings and your own
2. Use emotional moments as opportunities to connect
3. Respect your child's feelings by taking time to listen carefully
4. Help your child identify and name emotions
5. Explore solutions to problems together

With your patient guidance and understanding your child's capabilities will grow and they will become more and more skilled in behaving in socially appropriate ways when distressed. And remember, none of us does this perfectly! I find it hopeful that Dr. John Gottman found in his research that even when parents use these emotion coaching techniques even 50% of the time, it is shown to be very effective.

If you would like more information on how to incorporate these types of discipline techniques and emotion coaching tools into your approach, here are links to the two books mentioned, The Whole Brain Child and No Drama Discipline. Both are available through Kidspace's parent lending library. Let us hear about your experiences in discipline adventures in the comments section.