Buckets Full

If you are a parent of an Aspen or Maple child, you may have heard him or her refer to "filling" or "emptying" someone's "bucket" through the way they treat others. It's a social skill they've read a book about and practiced many times throughout this year. They learn to give help, understanding and kind affirmations to others, thus "filling" up others' buckets through kindness and warm regard. They learn how this brings them happiness within.

We parents also can "flood children with love and affection," as Lawrence Cohen advises in his very helpful book, Playful Parenting. "Sometimes that's all we need to do. If we fill their [buckets] in the most basic way--a hug, a cuddle, a story, a kind word, some special time together, their favorite foods--they will figure out the rest [of whatever difficult situation they are facing]." He also recommends listening attentively and thoughtfully to a child caught up in strong emotion before brainstorming solutions or offering suggestions to help them with their difficulties. They need our tenderness and understanding, even when they are misbehaving or caught up in a very strong negative disposition--perhaps especially then.When children behave in a mean way and "empty" someone's bucket, he says they are often "sending us a signal that they are in need of more love and affection." When they are in the midst of their emotions they may not be receptive, but if we keep consistently expressing our genuine kind regard for them, the message gets through. They will eventually hear it. You are loved. You are a person of invaluable worth. Even when you are the pill bug of the universe and I feel upset about that, you are one of the dearest people on the planet to me.

Does this seem counter intuitive to you? Shouldn't we distance ourselves emotionally to show children our disapproval when they are being horrid? We parents can take that tack without thinking where it actually leads. Certainly we should show kind firmness and guide our kids to better behavioral choices. Unfortunately we may tend to withdraw emotionally, or perhaps blow up at them. Shaming or ridiculing children out of behaviors does little more than build resentment, insecurity, and tends to just drive some unwanted behaviors underground. It empties our child's bucket. It is precisely when they act out that they most need us to stay with them in those strong emotions. They may feel scared and out of control and will be comforted when someone who knows and loves them best is hanging in there with them until they come out the other side of their upset. Then they can start to figure out how to handle this. They can better learn self-regulation when they know they have an emotional anchor in their parent, someone who can keep their child's bucket heavily filled with love and understanding.