Trust Yourself

Perhaps you heard it, the recent NPR interview with a former Wall Street Journal reporter with a new book out about the cultural parenting differences she noticed while living in France. I was interested in hearing her observations about what parents commonly do in Paris versus what we see in the States. She reports  Parisian children are much better behaved yet less directly attended to by their parents. But what really astounded me was a statement she made about the number of “expert” parenting books to be found in America. She had done a simple amazon.com search for “parenting” and turned up 101,178 different titles currently available for sale. Add to that the dozens of magazines dedicated to the topic or publishing monthly expert columns and the amount of parenting “advice” floating around seems absolutely smothering.

Is it any wonder American parents in 2012 might feel overwhelmed or confused about best practices in childrearing? “Am I doing this right?” is a question I often hear. How many parenting experts du jour can we glean meaningful information from? How much of it is conflicting, perhaps even dodgy? And how do you choose what advice to invest your time in reading? Have you ever had the extended time to read even one parenting book cover to cover? Right! How about time to take a several-weeks-long book-based class to improve your skills? Most of us have never had time to just gather our own thoughts on what our own personal parenting values and philosophy are.

I’ve kept a finger on the pulse of parenting and child development research and publications for the past 20 years and have a sizable personal library of books and journals. And I’ve read most of them cover to cover and taken many classes  (but I’ve had the luxury of time because that’s been part of my professional life :-) ). What have I learned from this extended exposure and from my own checkered adventures in childrearing?

Pick and read just a few good research-based, time-tested child development and behavior guide books. Talk to your own family, circle of friends, and trusted community resources about practices they find most helpful. Invest yourself in one basic 6 to 8 session class with your partner on how to parent together (several solid ones are P.E.T., S.T.E.P., S.T.A.R., How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, Love & Logic, Boundaries, etc.) And most of all, trust yourself.

Yes, you will make what you later consider to be mistakes. Some of them will be quite big and messy and regretful. We all mess up. But, we learn from our mistakes and can correct course and clean up our messes. We will never in a lifetime get near anything like the parenting perfection described in some books. There is no perfection in human relationships, so be realistic about your own parenting goals. Do the best you can with what time and resources you’ve got to be informed, act responsibly and do what you know to do.

 Allow yourself a 15% mess-up factor. That’s right. Expect that you will be finding a workable path 85% of the time—and that’s good enough! You are your children’s parents. That uniquely qualifies you as THE experts on the subject. No one on the planet has more intimate knowledge of your children than you, their parents. Yes, you’ll seek guidance and be glad to find some that actually gets the results you’re seeking. But like Glynda tells Dorothy as she’s clicking those ruby slippers together and wishing away like crazy, the power to go home was always right there with her. The unique bond of strong love you have with your children will guide you home to where you need to be every time.You may not feel at times like you know best (and your own parents, in-laws, and the parenting expert du jour might be quick to tell you that you don’t), but there is no doubt that you love best. There is no cookie cutter right way to parent. Be open to good advice, know where your own knowledge gaps might be and seek answers specific to your own unique family. If there has been dysfunction in your families of origin, make sure you take those issues into consideration. But, trust yourselves to be capable parents. You are writing your own expert book on how you are raising your children, full of adventure, curve balls and scary bits, and many fulfilling years of finding your way in day to day life together growing close as family.